Excuses vs. Reasons
How to Tell The Difference and Take Control of Your Life
I have spent a lot of my career as a psychotherapist offering support to people struggling with problematic substance use.
Through that work, I’ve noticed a lot of patterns in how people speak about their past decisions, their present selves, and decisions about their future. One undeniable trend boils down to what I call “Excuses vs. Reasons”.
For our purposes here, let’s define an excuse as “expressing justification for failure to do something,” and a reason as “a cause, explanation, or justification for an action or event.”
They sound pretty similar, right?
Here’s the key difference: an excuse keeps us stuck in a place where we dismiss the control and choices we have in our lives. A reason puts us in a position where we can learn and take action to move forward.
If you are feeling stuck – either because of a past decision you made, your current situation, or in thinking about the future – recognizing the difference between reasons and excuses can help you see the truth more clearly and regain your sense of control.
To help demonstrate, here are a few examples from client situations to show how decisions can be impacted by whether we use excuses or reasons:
Past situation—45-year-old client reflects on their 21 year old self who wanted to pursue music instead of the “sensible career” they chose
Excuses (they told themselves at the time): Very few people actually earn a living in the music industry. I don’t have the talent of the artists that I admire.
Reasons: I’m scared to be vulnerable. I have self-doubt about if I can have success. I’m overwhelmed by the process.
Present situation—29-year-old not opting to go for an upcoming promotion at work
Excuses (they’re telling themselves): Some other people have worked for the company longer. I’ll wait until I have more experience. I’m busy enough already.
Reasons: Fear. Self-doubt. Wonder about the ability to handle the disappointment of being turned down for promotion.
Future situation—38 year-old client considering quitting their job and taking on freelance work when current contract ends
Excuses: It would take a lot of time to set that up and I would lose my benefits and vacation time. I have children, so it’s not the time to make a change.
Reasons: I’m scared of the risk. I have self-doubt as to whether I can have success on my own. I’m overwhelmed by the elements I need to consider in the process.
Do you notice how the excuses tend to boil down to time, money, and comparisons to others? Meanwhile, the reasons are feelings-based and are pretty much identical through the three situations: fear, self-doubt, and being overwhelmed.
The excuses are dismissive and about external matters, and therefore are easily justified. The reasons are internal, the root of what is stopping you, and you can do something about them. If you just sit with the excuses, you’re not taking any risk. You are failing to acknowledge the control you have in the situation. As a result, you might have future regret that you didn’t explore it more.
Let’s be clear. Focusing on reasons instead of excuses might not result in a different outcome. For example, the excuses the client had about pursuing music at age 21 resulted in them not moving forward with it. When they revisited the idea at age 45, they focused on the reasons why. They did some research. They even spoke to other musicians and looked at music school program options. They thought about what they wanted their future to look like and ultimately decided that it wasn’t the right choice for them (yet, at least. They didn’t shut the door completely).
The difference is still an important one. When focusing on the reasons, the client was in control. They were able to make informed decisions. They questioned their assumptions and faced their fears. Doing this put them in a position where they are less likely to have regrets. Why didn’t they pursue music at age 45? Because it wasn’t the right choice for them right now. That’s the reason. And they can be confident about it.
There is a Yiddish proverb that sums it up better than I could. It goes: “The girl who can’t dance says the band can’t play.”
So, what do you want to do?
- Blame the band (excuse)
- Acknowledge that you aren’t dancing because you don’t know how (reason)
- Learn to dance (turn your reason into action)
You can be someone who focuses your energy on elements out of your control or you could recognize where you have control and go with it. It doesn’t mean you have to learn to dance or quit your job or pursue a music career.
It’s acknowledging where you have choice and taking action to move forward with that choice.
Elizabeth Scarlett
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